The Unbearable Burden – Part I

Based on my previous blogs, I have been getting so many e-mails about the issue of marriage (specifically the woman’s relationship to her husband) that I felt it was time to really lay it all out there. So please hear my heart when you read this. I have not gone through this, I am going through this now. So this certainly keeps in line with “writing from where I’m at”.

My husband and I, to give you a bit of background, met when I was working as a manager at a restaurant and he started working there part time as a delivery driver. He worked hard (he had a full time job during the day) and that impressed me. He was gorgeous – and boy did that ever impress me. There were his quiet ways – I was loud and boisterous. That intrigued me. His eyes were this amazing blue and his eyelashes were thick and long. My own little dream package right before my very eyes. Would he look at me? Would he see me as beautiful too? What would it be like to kiss him? Does he have a girlfriend already? Do his pants always fit that great in the back? Well, now I’m teasing (not really), but you get my point. I was mayor-ette of crush city.

Unfortunately, these were the only questions I was asking. Nothing to do with faith or strength of character – just the basic girl crush thoughts. Now, before I continue, I want you to know that I do not regret marrying my husband. He really is a beautiful man on the inside and out. He loves me with all his heart and is commited, faithful and supportive.

So, we had been dating for a while and knew that it was becoming serious. I finally began to be concerned about his faith in Christ and his commitment to a life as a Christian. I didn’t need him to be perfect, just forgiven and responsive to that. A little late in the game, though – I was already in love. So we went to a pastor friend of ours to talk to him, and he led him to the Lord. I walked out of that office floating on air. I finally had everything I wanted – he’d said the prayer right? My perfect little package. It could have been a script for a silly Disney movie.

Well, I was about to be spun around on my head for all the ‘perfect pictures’ I had created around me. I married a man I knew wasn’t walking with God. Frankly, neither was I as much as I should, but I blamed my husband. I blamed him for not being committed and leading me into a deeper relationship with God. I said ‘if only he…’ so many times I really lost count. So basically – I was basing my relationship with Jesus Christ – the Author and Perfector of Salvation, the Alpha, Omega, Jehovah Jireh, the All Consuming Fire – on another man’s faith? I had placed an unbearable burden on my husband. I continued to tell God that if only He would make him be a better Christian, then I would have someone to follow. Think about that for a second. I think that God has been so quiet with me on the issue of my husband because He has been waiting for me to hear the question I had asked. And I mean really hear it. I needed someone to follow? Really? Did I that soon forget that I had promised to follow Christ all those years ago? I had gotten to the point of such laziness in my spiritual life that I was begging God for someone to follow. And yes, I’m being serious, as ridiculous as it sounds.

As I began praying for my husband, I began to hear God. But not about my husband, it was about me. Of course, I chalked it up to getting down on myself too much and pushed it aside so that I could really hear what God was saying. I was so frustrated. There were some slight changes now, but that stemmed from the fact that I was actually spending time with God for once. Not that I was getting everything He said, but the effects of being in the presence of God can still show even when thwarted by our own ignorance and foolishness. But God was speaking, and finally, I began to listen.

First and foremost, I had placed my job before my husband. I placed my friends before my husband. I felt it was his duty to accept and love my life since, after all, he loved me. I spent more effort on pleasing my boss than pleasing my husband. I showed my boss more respect that I was showing my husband. Basically, as much as I was giving to my husband in emotional support, I was selfishly expecting him to adapt to my life – and not create one together. The fighting, the tempers, the crying, the packing – all came from the fact that he knew I didn’t accept him as he was. I had married him. He didn’t understand what had gone so wrong. I’m overwhelmed now even thinking about it. I had failed him as a wife. He was doing the laundry, he was cleaning the house. He was vaccuming the carpets and cleaning up after the dogs.

He was committed to being a good man. But he was being sorely punished for it because I refused to really examine myself and change what really mattered. Not how I treated my husband, but how I treated my relationship with God. If I had just spent all that energy on deepening my relationship with Jesus Christ, and becoming a woman of character unwaivering – the way I treated my husband would have naturally become the right way – and the respect I was to show him would come out as well. Now we can talk about a changed man. Now we can talk about a man who I’m finally not making responsible for my eternity. He is simply responsible for his own.

Now, because this blog is not mean to be an outlet for novels, I will have to continue with a Part II. But I think I’ve left you with something to really think about, if you find yourself in this type of situation. Pray on this tonight, and this time hear what God is saying…about you.