Knowing Who You Are

 

My head is never silent.  No, I don’t hear voices – but I do constantly think in such a way that I could easily go off the deep end one of these days if I were to let it get that far.  Everything is in fast forward, then fast rewind, then fast forward again.  I replay every word, motion, act and look in my mind without even trying.  It’s torturous.  What others may not even remember, I intensely regret and feel shame over.  Did I laugh too loud?  Did I stand in such a way that I brought attention to my endless list of imperfections?  Did I sing off key on Sunday?  Am I too prideful?  Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?  Is my boss mad at me because I’m not working fast enough?  Do people smile at me and then roll their eyes or shake their head when I walk away?  Most of the time I wonder if I’m ever really going to get this walk of faith – being a follower of Christ. 

This past Sunday, my pastor preached on spiritual warfare.  He stated that only 48% of non-denominational Christians believe that Satan exists.  Less than half of us believe that we have an enemy?  He stared right at us and made sure we heard the words.  “You have a real enemy.” 

As I sat there, I was thinking to myself, “Of course I have an enemy!  Don’t I know it!”  But as he began to preach, I realized that while I may know I have an enemy, I’ve been pretty bad at recognizing him when he was at work.  Satan is acutely aware of my weaknesses and ever since I’ve been back in church and getting involved in ministry again, he has made sure that I am faced with them on a daily basis.  I have read the Bible and get encouragement from it, but in the meantime, I have been absorbing Satan’s attacks instead of thwarting them.  Over the years, I have allowed Satan to coil around my mind – to the point that I hear his lies in my head and claim them as my own truth.

Now when I say weaknesses, I don’t mean things like thinking bad thoughts about my co-worker (yes I do that) or being irritated with my husband for no reason (boy do I EVER do that) or disrespecting my parents (they could share all the ways I’ve done this for sure) – but I mean desperate weakness. 

Addiction is the top of the list.  I have an addictive personality – bunk.  I have allowed myself to be controlled by my need for instant gratification – truth.

Anger management is an oxy moron for me.  But I’m Scottish and it runs in my blood – bunk.  I’ve allowed my own selfish desires to control me so that I do whatever it takes to make myself heard – truth. 

Depression is a daily battle for me.  It runs in my family and I can’t help it – bunk.  I serve a living God who will either carry me through the storm or completely deliver me – truth.

Why am I being so candid?  Why risk exposing my weaknesses so that others may try to judge me?  Because my weaknesses are not how I am defined.  Addiction, anger and depression are not who I am.  Who I am is a child of God – reborn and resurrected.  Standing in the fire with me is my God.  It is my God who supplies all my needs according to His glory.  It is my God who delivers me from sorrow and depression.  It is my God who calms me and allows me to see those I am angry with through His eyes.  It is my God who I am defined by and who exposes the enemy for the liar he is.

Satan is dirty and tricky and wants you to believe that you are defined by your weaknesses.  That is his greatest lie.  If he can make you believe that you are not worthy of a Savior because of who you are – then he will win.  If he can make you think that you are worthless and a quitter by nature, then he will win.  But hear this – God does not stand for His children being attacked.  He knows who you are – you’re His.  He is protective and alert for His children.  But He will not force Himself on you.  He is waiting for you to simply say “Lord take me for who I am.”  And He does.  Our sin is laid at His feet and we can resist Satan knowing the power that we have behind us.  This doesn’t mean that everything you struggle with will disappear.  The Apostle Paul himself struggled with sin and it tormented him.  He asked God repeatedly to take away the “thorn” in his flesh, the sin, that he dealt with.  God’s response was this:  “My grace is sufficient for you – my power is made perfect in weakness.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9) But our sinful nature will not last – God has promised this.

So will I ever get this walk of faith?  Will I ever understand what it means to be a follower of Christ?  I can say that yes, I will on both counts, because I do know who I am.

Psalm chapter 18 is a powerful example of a man, David, who even in all his sin knows who he is and who he belongs to.  I’ll close my first blog with this:

 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
 my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
 He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
 and I am saved from my enemies.

 The cords of death entangled me;
 the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
 the snares of death confronted me.

 In my distress I called to the LORD;
 I cried to my God for help.
 From His temple He heard my voice;
 my cry came before Him, into his ears…

…He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
 He drew me out of deep waters.

 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
 from my foes, who were too strong for me.

 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
 but the LORD was my support.

 He brought me out into a spacious place;
 He rescued me because He delighted in me.

Psalm 18: 1-6, 17-19